NEWS
EVENTS
How To Survive… A Horror Movie
Thursday 29th October 2015 | Sam
With Halloween just around the corner, the chance of getting murdered by an axe-wielding maniac is increased significantly. So, here is a handy guide to staying alive during All Hallow's Eve...
1.If you are (un)lucky enough to have a basement in your house and you hear a strange noise coming from down there and night, don’t even think about checking it out. Call an exterminator, the Terminator, the Ghostbusters, anyone! Just, for the love of God, don’t go down into the cold, dark basement by yourself, it isn’t worth it.
2. The same goes for the attic. Remember, rats can’t climb ladders, so that strange scratching noise you just heard above you is not a rodent.
3. If your significant other has a keen interest in puppetry, ventriloquism or has an insane obsession with collecting china dolls, drop them out immediately. They are not worth the mental strain of having their beady, empty eyes staring down at you while you try to sleep and of course, every demon is just as obsessed with them as your mentally deranged partner.
4. If anyone suggests splitting up, let him or her go and "look for clues" on their own. This isn’t Scooby Doo - this is your life. Splitting up is never the answer; safety is most definitely in numbers when there are monsters about.
5. Remember when you were younger and your parents taught you how to tie your shoelaces? Yeah, you’re gonna need those skills now. If you’re running away from a crazy fucker wielding a machete, you’re gonna wanna make sure your shoes are tied… if you trip, you will sprain your ankle and you will die.
6. A simple one for girls here… don’t even think about wearing heels.
7. Somehow (fuck knows how) you have found yourself hiding in a closet with your friend (no gay jokes please). The murderer has just come into the room and your mate’s nervous breathing can be heard from out on the street… you are going to die. Learn some breathing techniques and save your bacon.
8. Children should be avoided at all costs; I guarantee that their seemingly innocent nature is a cover-up for their murderous tendencies. The same goes for grandma… never trust anyone over 60.
9. Don’t be the hero. Ever.
10. If possible, illuminate your house. Make sure the lights are turned on in every single room. When the lights go out (it’s inevitable), make sure you have a multipack of Duracell for your torch becuase you don’t want it running out of juice.
11. So somehow you’ve found yourself a gun with a full clip (no questions asked). If you encounter a monster, do yourself a favour… aim for the head. We all know that monsters can take some serious pain, so save yourself some time and blast that bitch in the face.
12. Remember to always check the back seat of your car before driving away. You may find someone in wait for you, in which case, run like hell. Or you may find some loose change and last week’s lunch under the seat. You know what? Invest in a Smart car… how can a killer lie in wait if you haven’t got a back seat?
13. Don’t even bother looking under your bed, you’re never gonna get a nice surprise from it.
14. Don’t have sex. Killers and monsters seem to love terrorising those doing the dirty. Don’t get caught with your trousers down.
15. And finally… if you manage to kill whoever is hunting you, kill them again. It isn’t worth the hassle if, after turning your back, the dead guy gets up and stabs you in the back, is it?
Happy Halloween!
Sam
