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BAD ADVICE: How To Beat The Recession
Other | Thursday 27th September 2012 | Michael
Have you not everything you need? If you need a motor car, you pluck it from the trees. If you need pretty polly, you take it.
Times are hard. Life is tough. Etcetera and so forth. We are in a recession, blahde blah. But have you ever considered how easy it is to rip things off?
Look at it this way. We live on an island. In order to survive, we need food. Let's say oranges. Some people on this island have more oranges than others. Let's say those guys are called Mr Asdo's and Mr Tesca. Now Mr Asdo's and Mr Tesca have ALL the oranges. They are sitting on a pile of oranges that is so high that they would not even notice if you took one from the pile below them. Is it really necessary to eat the sand from the beach when there are huge piles of delicious oranges, ripe for the picking?
Here's a list of viable recession busting options which you may choose to undertake at your discretion. DO NOT UNDERTAKE ON LOCAL BUSINESSES. ONLY RIP OFF LARGE CORPORATIONS. Local businesses don't have very many oranges at all and they need our help to whittle down the reserves of Mr Asdo's and Mr Tesca.
Oh, and just so you know, you WILL get caught.
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FOOD
You're hungry and you are walking down the street. You amble past what is essentially a large walk in cupboard and your stomach rumbles again. Why pay over three pounds for something which is still essentially in the trial phases for toxicity? Rip it off!
If what you want is small enough to fit into your pocket, make it seem as if you are searching for your wallet. Then, you can drop the item in there and root around some others until you eventually pretend-find your money. You can also try slipping it up one of your sleeves or rolling it up in your shirt.
If you have a backpack on and it has some weight to it, try sticking something between your backpack and your back. The weight of the backpack should keep the item pressed to your back without you having to conspicuously open your bag and stuff an entire goose in. (don't try that either, seriously)
Self-service machines. They can't see and have no emotions so its easy to steal when you are using these. Just make sure a till-jockey or security guard isn't watching you as you place several things on the floor. Also, several things which weigh the same amount have different values, for example, a bag of sugar is worth more than its weight in rice.
One other good technique is to take the self-service bags and fill things as you go. Be mindful of the cameras and you should be able to swan out with your weekly groceries for free.
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TRAVEL
It's time to visit Auntie Mavis because its been fucking months and she's going mouldy. But she lives at John O' Groats! How the hell are you gonna afford that? Never fear, there are ways around this familial endeavour.
If there are ticket barriers, scooch real close to someone as they go through. There is usually a couple of seconds in which you can shuffle behind some business guy as he breezes on through. If you really need to buy a ticket, get one for the next stop and go on through.
Wear a suit. If you wear a suit on a train you will not be hassled nearly as much as if you are dressed in your usual offensively bright and ripped salmon skinny jeans and your favourite 'FUCK' sweater. If you don't have a suit, a shirt and tie will suffice. For ladies, similarly look smart but maybe lose the tie.
Be asleep when they check for tickets. If you are wearing a suit as well the ticket people tend to assume you've had a busy week and try not to disturb you. If you can make it past the beginning of the journey without being checked, chances are you're okay. However, sometimes they will wake you, suit or not, and its time to bring out the slyness. But this requires some preparation.
Before the ticket person finds you, make sure to hide all forms of identity you have on you, including bank cards, driver's license, passport, student card – everything which has your name on it. If possible hide your wallet too. You can try stuffing these down your underwear or socks, or bury them within your luggage somewhere. When the ticket person comes they will ask for your ticket. Here's where your acting skills are tested. Tell them you are sorry and that you tried to find them sooner but you dropped your ticket/wallet down on to the train track as you got on. You can also say that your wallet has been stolen/lost too. Remember to be nice and look them in the eye. See what kind of a person they are and work with their personality. For example, if they are a hard-ass, ask what the procedure is. If they seem friendly, be slightly helpless. If they don't let you off there, then they will ask for payment for a new ticket or a reference number. You won't have a reference number because you paid in cash. Neither do you have any bank cards on you. Their only option is to take your name and address and charge the bill to there. And if your name happens to be Elvis Presley and you happen to live at 123 Place road, well, that's just coincidence.
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GOING OUT
Going out can be expensive, especially in London and especially if you're going to buy drinks at the place you visit. If you can manage to sneak something in your pocket like a bottle of vodka or whatever (much cheaper from the local off license) and then just buy mixers all night, then you're good to go and it'll only cost you a fraction of the price.
Also you can try your hand and Minesweeping. It's an age old tradition which is largely based on waiting until a person sets down their drink and walks away from it, giving you an opportunity to swipe it and get out of the area post haste. Watch for Hepatitis B. Also, try and go for the people who look like they can afford it. You're Robin Hood, not a clucking smackhead.
Another good technique is the good old fashioned flirt. If you flirt with someone who likes you, chances are they want you to be drunk enough to fuck them. As long as you don't get slipped a mickey, you can receive free drinks all night before secretly slipping away before you are completely plastered.
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FASHION
Charity shops. If you're gonna nick stuff from a nice place - NOT CHARITY SHOPS - rip off the electric tag and hide it somewhere. You can always sew up the hole later.
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COMMUNICATION
Linking two cups with a length of string, you should be able to hear each other's voices at the other end.
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GETTING CAUGHT
Inevitably you will get caught, because the tendency is to push your limits until you meet some kind of opposition. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you get caught doing any of the above, don't panic. You are innocent until proven guilty (supposedly). The police will try and scare you into a confession. Don't say anything. You can usually get away with a couple of encounters with the police as long as you are not too gobby. Chances are they will let you off if you haven't been busted before. These are all petty crimes and as long as you avoid a conviction, you can save thousands of pounds. Fix up, look sharp and stay focused and you will be living the lifestyle of a king. Until the police give you one of those £80 fines.
MJH Milner x
