Chicks guide to picking up girls at clubs (for guys)

Other | Thursday 18th January 2018 | Claudia

In this day and age men and boys are thought to fall into one of two categories - fuck boys or sweet mates. Most courting techniques differ from guy to guy, but the most common would seem to be the types of wet wipes who dabble in the art of petrol mixing and narcotics.

Either way, you won't be surprised to encounter rapey rhymes and the occasional salad fingered creeps at clubs. Love isn't how it used to be of boy meets girl, now the typical love story would include a half eaten kebab and contraception constructed out of Bueno wrappers.

But don't get me wrong not all men are wankers but a few of you are living up to the name, flirting and dating has become as much as an enigma as the notorious Sasquatch (and if he existed he'd probs have more game then most of you creepy mac creepsons).

We're not asking for Pride and Prejudice tales of love and intrigue, but the occasional hair holding for when are kidneys tap out would be nice. But don't fret here's an ultimate guide to picking up girls at clubs so let's begin!

Keep hygiene in check

Most of y'all roll up to clubs and events smelling like the funky 80’s, doing the most (in terms of arm and quad stretches). A manly scent may attract the odd cougar or two but the general rule of thumb would be to Lynx up, and when I say Lynx up I mean towards the dangerously flammable side of things, but hey what's life without risk am I right? And if the end prize is a PYT’s digits or approving wink then all the more reason to become a human matchstick!  

The right approach

First impressions count, don’t let anyone tell you differently, so when fist pumping at the club try toning it down and give off a more Tom Cruise vibe than Tom down the chippy aura.

Try sliding into a conversation with a compliment or witty pun and if this doesn't tickle there pickle maybe drop in some flirty hints. Couple winks and nods might sway the opposite sex, make sure you don't overdo it though, you wouldn't want them to think you have a tick or are on the spectrum.

Once you pass that hurdle the courting finally begins maybe talk about her interests and most intimate secrets… or maybe stick to interests never know how many skeletons (literally) one may have in their closet excluding nibbles of course. 

Dance your way to her heart   

Dancing has always been a seduction technique and has seen countless Lotharios bag themselves the perfect mate in doing so. Great men have gone down in history for wooing and enticing women with there sensual hips, and as a great woman once said “my hips don't lie” and lie they do not if you catch my drift. 

Same rules apply to men, grafting doesn't necessarily have to come from words and lip licking, you can compensate just as much with the tippy tapping of your feet. So why not try respectfully swaying your hips and cutting a few shapes to recreate a Beauty and the Beast scene, that is if beauty were an adolescent 18-year-old who could do shots through every orifice of her body #2018Talent. 

Don't get too drunk

Now drinking can help if what you lack for in personality you make up for in bed, but that is a rarity at best. Many men have perished under the sweet nectar we call alcohol. The devil's juice has gotten all (not only men) into somewhat sticky situations literally and hypothetically if you catch my drift (R.I.P floral dress from 99), but don't let this deter you from meeting someone special even if it's for one night only.

Keep your liquor to 2 drinks maximum if speech is what you want to maintain throughout the night, I mean dancing can only get you so far before she starts to ask question like "why are you slurring", "who even are you" and "I have a black belt in jujitsu" that you can take either two ways (if your the Poundland version of Christan Grey).   

Engage her friends in conversation

Girls flock in groups of three or four when clubbing so when introducing yourself make sure to include all members of her social group, and hey it's nice to be nice right? Everyone wants a bit of attention on a night out, whether or not it's a howdely doodely or an intricate handshake. It's also the perfect way to getting into peoples good books, but be sure not to overdo it, you wouldn't want to seem like the fuck boy stereotype yours trying to avoid.

What would seem a tad bit inappropriate would be if you were to simultaneously be groping Becky whilst attempting to fingerbang Lucy's belly button. Now for some, this would be a normal day at the office (would hate to be a secretary there) but for others, monogamy is the favoured option.    

So when heading out tonight think of the above and hey you never know, you might just get lucky, so bring Johnny along for the ride.