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David Blaine electrocuted for witchcraft
Wednesday 3rd October 2012 | James
Just kidding, his latest stunt involves passing one million volts of American electricity through his body until dead, sorry for 72 hours, or until dead.
Unfortunately, he’ll be protected by 27 pounds of chainmail which makes the electricity pass harmlessly around his body. With purple electricity shooting from his fingertips he looks like Dynamo from the 1987 Arnie flick The Running Man. This simple illusion is achieved by using a Faraday Cage (an enclosure or mesh which conducts static electricity. Boffin.) so is perfectly harmless unless he touches himself, which will be hard for such a self-promoter! If he does, then ZZZZap! We get Kentucky Friend David all over the street (which would quickly be eaten by the adoring American fans leaving no trace David ever existed). Oh yeah, he’ll be doing all this while standing on a 20ft podium at Manhattan’s Pier 54, for 72 hours without food or water on 5th October. Sorry I forgot to mention that bit because it's BORING.
He’s already lived in water for seven days, sat in a box for 44 days, loitered precariously on a 100ft platform, and been frozen in ice for 63 hours, he’s like a cockroach; he’s impossible to kill, and when you turn the on light he scuttles under the floorboards where he presumably tries to live for two weeks without natural light. If David Blaine wanted to take over the world, nothing would be able to stop him. Nuke him? Sorry General, David’s cockroach exoskeleton has provided him with a bomb proof shield. Pour boiling water on him? He’s already been submerged in water and beaten the Guinness World Record for holding one’s breath. What about shooting him with a giant laser? Nope. He’s wearing a chainmail suit with which he can control the elements. Basically, Blaine is an evil super villain. Not enough proof? Read on.
This performance will be streamed live on www.youtube.com/electrified, observers will be able to control the strength of the tesla coils which carry the electricity to Blaine, using Ultrabooks provided by Blaine’s sponsors Intel. This is surely a recipe for disaster. It sounds like a plot from an 80’s sci-fi action film. What’s more, the laptops will be set up in Beijing, London, Sydney and Tokyo. Is no-one else getting this? I feel like I’ve uncovered a massive global conspiracy. I’m imagining a scenario where David Blaine, at the head of his evil corporation Intel, harnesses the power of electricity, and takes over the worlds computers from London to Tokyo. There will be no way to defeat him as he has already trained himself to be immune to pain and has no need for food or water. All the time we thought he was doing pointless feats of endurance, he was actually training himself for world domination. How foolish we were. The only option we have to save ourselves from this menace is simple; Ignore him and hope he’ll go away.
By JDF
