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Something Funny: How Not To Live Your Life
Thursday 25th April 2013 | sana
People are always told how to live their life, but there are the rare percentage of the population that need to be told how not to live their life to avoid awkward moments that are downright embarrassing, although in hind sight stupidly funny.
1. Don’t ask a question by phrasing it in the way it was phrased to you.
When having your first driving lesson back after a holiday and the instructor asks how your time away was, don’t try to ask the same question by phrasing it in the way it was phrased to you, because as it happens it ends up sounding like this “How was your time…without me” – This is a real life experience and makes the next two hours of the lesson slightly weird.
2. Don’t mumble.
When ordering a cab, speak clearly. Seriously. You don’t want to say “I’d like to order a taxi to a house in Hamra” (an area in Lebanon) and have the company mishear you and come back with “What?! You want a taxi to the house of my SISTER?!” – Then have to calm them down whilst you correct yourself!
3. Don’t tell an inside joke when there’s alcohol involved.
When going out for a jazz event for that one of your uni module’s requirements, and of course everyone is getting drunk. To set the scene; most of the people from my class are sat at a table at the front with the teacher and we were sitting on a separate table on the far right, now, we’re half way through the event and the teacher comes over to our table to ask how we’re enjoying the music. Don’t make the mistake my friend made of an saying something from an inside joke. The rest of the table will nag you into telling the story. Don’t tell the story – which is gossip about two people in your class – with your teacher still there edging you on.
4. Don’t be a pushover.
When on a train and you see a woman eyeing you strangely, then when you walk off the train hastily and she catches up to you and starts asking you if you can help her fill a form out, just say no. For a person like me, if I start to say no and the person is persistent I will end up doing what they want. So I help the lady fill out the form then say I’m in a rush and start to go on my way. She stops me and asks if I know where computer exchange is, I point in the right direction and she asks if I can go with her because she has to sign something and she can’t write. I couldn’t think of any way to get out of it and inevitably had to go with her. We get there and we’re standing in the line she says she’s there to pick up a phone, and that she’s getting it for ten pounds, I say that’s a good price. She eyes my phone, and then asks me if I have a tenner to spare for her. Awkwardly I said no and pretended to take a phone call then told her I have to leave and good luck. One of the most awkward experiences, there was nothing to do afterwards but laugh with disbelief how much I couldn’t get out of her company!
5. Don’t make too many jokes about crack.
In the summer of 2011, my friends and I started making a little too many crack jokes, to the extent where we’d respond to questions simply by saying ‘craaack’. It would make us laugh so much, especially when out drinking, that a bartender came up to us and asked us if we were actually on crack due to our enthusiasm on the subject.
6. Don’t lie if you aren’t good at it.
When my sister brings a guy home and is trying to get him to leave but doesn’t want to be rude by kicking him out, she asks me to step in. Now I can’t lie, at all. I start telling him that I’m afraid to sleep without someone else in the room so he has to leave now. Half asleep on the couch this guy didn’t get the hint. He went to the bathroom and I told my sister to say something when she heard him coming out and then follow my lead. When he came out of the bathroom she said “Dad’s coming at 5pm tomorrow right?” and I went “No 5am!” (It was actually 5pm). It was half 3am at this point – still the guy wanted to sleep and insisted on leaving at half 4am. This is where my plan turned to shit. So I started lying, and said “Our father is coming at 5am so you have to leave, and you can’t stay because we need to get ready and prepare breakfast for him and recite Arabic poetry to him because he’s a writer and he likes that shit.” Then my sister jumped in with “There’s banana pancake mixture in the fridge you can check!” (We’d made banana pancakes earlier that day). He figured we were lying and finally got the hint to leave.
