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Woman "eBayed" her loved ones
Tuesday 16th October 2012 | Liam
A woman in India pleaded guilty to selling her child but refused to take them back because she’s “got a lot on”*
A 20-year-old mother sold her 17-month-old child to pay for a new pair of jeans, a phone and some nice new clothes, it has been reported. The woman pleaded guilty in court to the accusations, but claimed she did it “to fund a degree in child care.”
“Obviously I need to learn about looking after young children. With some education maybe I wouldn’t have done it," said the woman. She also claims that she hasn't got the time to look after a child since acquiring the new iPhone 5.
Suspicion aroused when the woman went out one morning with the child and “returned in a new outfit from the Gap,” without the child. At first she denied she even had a child. Friends claim the woman was “very persuasive”, and then distracted them by modelling her new jeans. “They really were a good pair. Figure- hugging is the term I’d use,” said a friend.
Days later, according to witnesses, the woman seemed “more interested in playing Angry Birds” on her new iPhone 5 than finding her baby. “I don’t understand,” said a witness, “she already had the iPhone4S. She couldn’t even explain coherently to me what the difference was.”
The judge was willing to let the woman off if she took the child back but she refused, instead offering the child to the judge in a “straight swap for his wig.” The judge said it would have been alright if she had been funding a “crack addiction.” But, he continued, her taste in designer clothing was “not for him”. “Can I just say,” said the judge before the woman was led out, “One word: tacky.”
Reports suggest this isn’t the first time the woman has sold loved ones. About a year ago she “convinced herself” the family goat had stopped producing milk. She traded it to a strange man on the way to market for “new shoes.” She is also accused of “advertising a BOGOF deal on Gumtree for her cousins” and “ebaying her mother-in-law,” both of which she denies. She also allegedly sold her husband to a “mysterious haggard gypsy woman” at a bootsale for a handful of magic beans.
Neighbours recall the woman spending an “unusual amount of time in her garden digging and laughing maniacally to herself.” She reportedly repeated the words, “Any day now! Any day now! You’ll see! I’ll have my golden eggs!”
It wasn’t until a 30 ft giant with a “hankering for human blood” appeared causing havoc in the neighbourhood that the police became suspicious. The woman “vehemently” denied claims that she had grown a magic beanstalk, despite the “quite obvious” magic beanstalk shooting up from her back garden.
The owner of a pawn shop claims she traded in “a cat” for a lava lamp she liked the look of. “She comes in, right, with this cat cradled in her arms. You’ve never seen the like of it! She goes, ‘I want that lava lamp in the window, pointing to the lovely lava lamp I placed in the window not a few hours prior,” said the pawn shop owner. “And I’m like, ‘What have you got in exchange?’ And she’s like, ‘How’s about this cat?’ And I’m like, ‘You want to swap your cat for a lava lamp?’ And she’s like, ‘I don’t know whose cat this is. I just found it outside. But yes.’ So we swapped the cat and the lava lamp right there. Then I realised it was my cat…But it was too late by then. The transaction was done and dusted. She was long gone.”
The woman also denies this allegation, claiming the lava lamp – which matches the pawn shop owner’s description – was a gift to her from the giant from the magic beanstalk: a statement she swiftly retracted when recounting the details in her head.
By Liam McKenna
*Not all true
