NEWS
EVENTS
Humans used to eat pandas
Monday 15th October 2012 | Liam
How do you like your panda? Medium rare? Well done? Scientists discover the awful truth about ancient humans and their eating habits
It might not just be the panda’s reluctance to mate that is to blame for its decline. One of the rarest and most loved creatures on this planet used to be considered lunch for ancient man, scientists say.
The discovery comes after research into excavated fossils which “showed that pandas were once slashed to death by man.” Wei Guangbiao, the scientist making the report, says humans would not have killed animals that were “useless to them.” Other clues included rudimentary cutlery, a napkin smeared in panda blood and a cave painting of a panda rotating over a fire which could well be a primitive a la carte menu.
Whether the panda community would appreciate the inference that they are “useless” remains to be seen. But seriously, just try asking a panda to do the washing up. It won’t happen. The only solution to their laziness is obviously to spit roast them or pre-heat the oven to 180c, wrap your panda in tin foil to infuse the flavour (paprika really brings out the zest of bamboo) and cook for 2hrs until your panda is tender and juicy.
Apparently when pre-historic man was chomping on roast panda leg the pandas in question were a lot smaller. More of an appetiser or mid-morning snack than a hearty main meal. And there were probably more of them so humans didn't have to feel the guilt of causing a shortage or possibly exinction of a species (hello, dodos!). Which probably means pandas were also a lot cuter. But cuteness was not a measurement scale recognised by ancient man who would probably have eaten red pandas too if he had had the chance.
It’s unknown what other surprises were on the menu around this time. Sabre tooth tigers and woolly mammoths are likely to have provided too much of a fight and were more occasional treats for the more adventurous hunters. In contrast, pandas and their sluggish bamboo-gnawing mentality would have been easy pickings. You just had to tie a bamboo shoot to a vine and you could lure a whole family of bears onto your awaiting fire.
Now a protected species, its population falling rapidly - despite the best efforts of mankind - it’s safe to say you won’t be seeing panda on the menu any time soon. But if it's offered it'd be rude to pass it up. As the saying goes: Never say no to panda.
By Liam McKenna
