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Rhubarb theft leaves village fete in doubt
Tuesday 2nd October 2012 | Liam
Crazed lunatic steals rhubarb in bid to make ‘rhubarb crumble’
It’s one of those sickening stories that make you question humanity. The sleepy town of Yapton, West Sussex has been left in tatters after a thief broke into a vegetable plot and made off with a batch of prize-winning rhubarbs.
Reports say a man in his 30s was ‘challenged’ while breaking into a garden store but said he was looking for his dog. When questioned about the bundle of rhubarbs in his arms the man apparently balked and stuttered before replying, ‘Oh, these? Yeah, I just bought them from the local grocery store. I was just on my way back when I thought I’d take a little detour…to look for my dog…who ran off while I was buying rhubarb…Treacle? Treacle? Where are you, boy?’ the man called out unconvincingly into the garden store.
The man, wearing a balaclava, black jumpsuit, leather gloves, and with a shotgun slung over his back, then insisted he was in a rush to make a rhubarb and apple crumble for his pregnant wife, who was craving rhubarb, after which he made haste in the direction of a white van, opened the back door, stuffed the rhubarbs on top of a load of other miscellaneous fruits and vegetables, jumped in and sped off. One eye witness remarked that ‘he must have been cooking quite the crumble because you couldn’t see through that van for rhubarb.’
Local greengrocer, Mike Willis, said he had never sold rhubarb in his shop. ‘I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t like rhubarb. Can’t stand the stuff. In my 75 years as local greengrocer I can safely say I’ve not sold a single rhubarb. And you won’t see me selling it anytime soon.’ He then spat on the ground and stamped his foot in disgust.
This revelation left local police chiefs stumped, with the link between the disappearance of the rhubarbs and the masked man with all the rhubarbs as the only lead. DCI Robert Thomas said: ‘It seems the only logical explanation that the man with all the rhubarbs must have taken the rhubarbs on the night the rhubarbs went missing.’
One of the men who apprehended the suspected assailant, the local Vicar Fr Hetherington, said ‘it was odd that he had about as much rhubarb as was stolen from the garden. I’ve only ever seen rhubarbs that size at the village fete. It’s befuddled me alright. I wonder if he ever did find his dog?’
Locals have reported sightings of a ‘four-legged creature or two’ but one was verified as a stray tabby cat, and most of the others turned out to be cows, and at least one was a flattened hedgehog on the side of the road. All dogs in the area have been accounted for.
The Yapton village fete has been postponed until further notice as locals come to term with this tragic event, and also because the rhubarb competition is the main event after the sheep race and ‘Guess the square in which the cow will do its business’. Police are continuing a round the clock investigation of the village. The garden store remains cordoned off.
By Liam McKenna
