NEWS
EVENTS
4 questions that you might need to lie about this Xmas
Family members know what buttons to press when it comes to your personal life, they just don't seem to have a filter or awareness of one's feelings.
This can sometimes lead to awkward questioning and outright rude comments to get you right into the festive spirit. You may be thinking that this part of the night is just as inevitable as the winter snow, either way, relatives turn into bounty hunters when it comes to delving deep into your successes and failures (but mostly failures).
Would the solution be to lie? Yes but not just lie, LIE LIKE A DOG, get your facts straight beforehand maybe write some key notes to remember, nothing is more embarrassing than getting caught mid-lie, that and your crippling failure to make any real achievements. Remember to make your accomplishments believable, no owning Poundland or Nandos make these lies achievable and in reach of your abilities.
Where are you living at the moment?
Owning your own home is the epitome of adulthood, and what's better than making yourself look like a responsible adult this Xmas. I mean if your overgrown beard is not convincing enough maybe add a mortgage to the mix or an unapologetic study lamp, and if family members call bullshit maybe divert the conversation on to 5 times convicted Alan for a change. I mean you don't want them catching on to the fact that your current house of residence is a surprisingly comfortable trampoline in your friend's backyard.
So are you currently in a relationship?
If promiscuity is your way of dealing with commitment issues (wink wink), then there’s no need to punish yourself over Christmas with personal and sometimes intrusive questioning from your not so perfect relatives.
This is where your little black book comes into the equation, maybe scout out some old flames willing to accompany you in your endeavours. Wallah! No more sex and the city more like sleepless in Seattle am I, right? Allow the approving nods to sink in, you, my friend are now part of the infamous family circle excluding the fact that this is a grade A lie and the girl on your arm used to be able to entertain a crowd of 50 with a not so lucky ping pong.
If a female appearance cannot be made as in some cases, technology is one way of deceiving your nearest and dearest, a couple of snapshots with unsuspecting victims... I mean friends may help seem as if Cupid has finally hit you, just make sure that all participants are willing to smile for the camera.
Are you working?
If the unfortunate question of employment is to come up (which it will) come prepared, no athlete ever came to a competition without the odd steroid boost (yes Russia I'm looking at you), same rules apply for pathological liars.
Write notes beforehand, where you might ask? Well, hands and knees make good replacements for paper. But if ink poisoning is not the illness you want to contract this Xmas how about your phone? Basically, where ever you can write notes should do fine. Bar job? Why not, could be a recreation of Coyote Ugly minus the pay or approving whistles. Helping the homeless? Sure thing, best not to mention the fact that you're a regular or that you use their services, but you do help out so not all is a lie.
How’s uni going?
I mean if like me you think, NO, you know that education is far too inferior for you to take part in and in some ways stifles your creativity, then dropping out seems like the most logical thing to do right? Yes absolutely, but some family members don't see it this way, this can sometimes lead to shocking revelations of secret adoptions and resentments to be blurred out during Happy Feet no doubt.
So if family feuds are what you want to avoid this Xmas why not conjure up a truly deceiving concoction of lies and misdirection, to fool the average drunk uncle and aunty. Maybe talk about the lifelong friends you’ve made along the way, and hey freshers week wasn't all that bad right? Apart from the fact you blew your student loan and managed to simultaneously get kicked out of your course and dorm, but I would leave the small details out.
Once in a lie, it's hard to remember the finer details so simplify your stories make them believable, add in the stereotypical uni experiences you know the odd rash or realization of financial debt, the obvious things.
But with all jokes aside do remember to make the most with family this Christmas, however imposing they may be, and hey if you come prepared you never know, it might just be a merry Christmas after all… but don't expect miracles.
