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Nelly says no to drugs
Friday 12th October 2012 | Liam
The rapper Nelly has denied all knowledge of any drugs or weaponry on his tour bus after a member of his crew was arrested over possession of drugs and weaponry*
Nelly, from that song you vaguely remember, (you know, the guy with the plaster on his face?) is back in the news for denying all knowledge of drugs on his tour bus.
The rapper has expressed his shock that his tour bus was packed to the gills with marijuana, heroin and guns, saying that he had “no idea” in light of the arrest of a member of his staff, Brian Keith Jones.
A spokesman said Nelly was “a little suspicious when he found all those bags of weed strapped to the underside of the toilet seat. But Brian assured him it was nothing but a makeshift floatation device in case the tour bus was submerged in the sea. Which made perfect sense at the time.”
There was also a question of the barrel of guns in the broom cupboard. The spokesperson said: “Brian said he was making a Wild West film and the production company needed somewhere to store all their replica pistols. I guess that’s how some of them got stuffed inside our pillows. We were wondering why it was so hard to get a good night’s sleep. We assumed it to be all the drugs we’d been taking, but how wrong we were.”
And as for the "heroin spoons?" The spokesperson claimed that "Brian insisted he was funny about what spoons he used for cereal. He said he had to heat them over a bunsen burner because he was paranoid about germs. Again, fair enough I say."
Police in Sierra Blanca, Texas, are reported to have found 36 bags of heroin, over 10 pounds of weed and a loaded .45 calibre pistol. Nelly says he has no idea about any of that. Nor does he have any knowledge about the stash of pure cocaine under the driver’s seat, the rare snow leopard hidden in the shower, and the stolen Van Gogh original propping up the microwave.
By Liam McKenna
*Embellished for effect
