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Mafia boss complains about stamp prices
Friday 5th October 2012 | Liam
A jailed gangster has sworn a vendetta on the Royal Mail because a price hike in stamps has forced several branches of his drug-smuggling network into administration. And it has annoyed him in other ways too...
Colin Gunn was convicted in 2006 of a revenge killing in Lincoln and is currently serving a life sentence. But that’s inconsequential to a mafia boss who still has a lot of mafia-related admin to deal with on the inside. What’s really got this gangster’s goat is the price of stamps.
Gunn has accused Belmarsh prison of “ignoring weight guidelines” by charging £2.70 for all A4 mail. Some of which weighs “considerably less” than others. “Take flick knives,” said Gunn, 45, “at, what, six or seven ounces, I’m paying the same for a Smith & Western. That’s just not on.”
The mafia boss has urged fellow inmates to “rise up” against their oppressors but most prisoners concede that they are oppressed for a reason. “After all, we did do all that murdering and what not,” said one inmate who didn’t wish to be named.
The disgruntled gangster’s full-blown three-hour tirade - most of which went ignored from behind his cell door - included stabs at the law, the Queen’s looming 75th Anniversary, prison food, Transport For London, Liverpool’s hopes of making the top six this season, the European Convention on Human Rights, the new iPhone 5, Borderlands 2, M Knight Shyamalan’s The Happening (still hasn’t got over it), cuts to welfare and pensions, Mrs Brown’s Boys (“worst sitcom ever – how on earth did it get recomissioned?”), the on-going war in Afghanistan, the recent revelations about Jimmy Savile, the deluge of reality television and high place in society given to the "influential thickos and orange dipsh*ts" who star in shows such as TOWIE, Florence and her “pissin” metaphorical Machine, Mitt Romney’s stance on abortion, Obama’s recent campaign video starring Samuel L Jackson (he did enjoy that), Christmas being pushed on the consumer before summer is even over ("again - every year, and I don't even do a weekly shop!"), the rancid state of popular music, the demise of the publishing industry, and Tulisa’s recent decision to change her hair colour. And there was also a minute or so about stamps.
Belmarsh prison have since admitted that Gunn was right about the price of stamps. “Turns out we had been charging too much for postage,” said one prison guard. “But how else are we supposed to subsidise our Blue Square Premier League match-fixing ring on the side?”
Gunn has vowed to avenge this injustice, but is not being helped by incompetent staff at the Royal Mail. The horse’s head that he reportedly tried to post to the Queen got lost in transit and ended up at a nursery school in Aberdeen.
By Liam McKenna
