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Woman goes AWOL after riding manatee
Friday 5th October 2012 | Liam
A woman who was allegedly seen “touching” and then “riding” a manatee in Tampa Bay, Florida, has turned herself in after a nationwide search proved fruitless. She reportedly mounted the wild sea cow and set off into the sunset in a bid to be the first person in history to travel the High Seas on the back of a marine animal
Apparently Ana Gloria Garcia Gutierrez (Ana for short) was unaware that fondling and riding manatees was prohibited by law. Police chiefs across the US shared a good self-deprecating laugh and apologised for the “unprecedented cost to the taxpayer to fund the manhunt” when it transpired Ms Gutierrez, 52, lived two doors down from the police station in Tampa Bay. “What can I say?” said County Sheriff Bob Gualtieri, “it’s not the first cock up we’ve made. I’ll be the first to admit the armoured tanks and super-sonic jets were probably a bit much.”
The police also apologised to President Barrack Obama who, after a large-scale protest by animal rights’ campaigners outside the White House, made a snap decision to recall “two thirds” of the American troops situated in Afghanistan to assist with the search.
This is not the first time that the "simple-minded" manatees’ “kind, trusting nature” has been exploited by sea-faring Americans. Local sea authorities explained the law: “Dolphins, great whites, giant turtles, fine, by all means knock yourself out. But manatees? Those poor creatures can barely surface for air let alone survive a round the world trip,” read the statement.
However, Sheriff Gualtieri reportedly said: “It’s not so much the fact she broke the law. We were just curious how she managed to ride a manatee. Frankly I’m impressed!” Mr Gualtieri later issued an apology for “any comments that may have been misconstrued and/or taken completely out of context in the heat of the moment." But quipped later: "It's still pretty cool though, isn't it?"
Ms Gutierrez reportedly claims that she had spent months coaxing manatees into shallow waters with “balls of lettuce and shiny things” and was on the verge of “finally fulfilling my life ambition of journeying across the High Seas on the back of an aquatic mammal.” A spokesman for the ambitious Ms Gutierrez said she had been in touch with the Guinness World Records to confirm that no such feat had been previously attempted. They said it had but was unsuccessful as both manatee and rider were caught by Japanese trawler men and never seen again.
There has since been further public outrage. "God — I just — I can't believe somebody is riding a manatee," spluttered Sunshine River Tours owner Michael Millsap. “I mean, they’re really curious, stupid over-trusting creatures, they shouldn’t be put through such severe trauma.”
A rival tour guide, Mitchell Hillslap of Moonlight River Tours, said, “This is how the dodo got wiped out. So the story goes. Personally I don’t believe in dodos and all that scientist propaganda because I know for a fact the world is no more than 400-years-old. Incidentally, have you ever thought about how Jesus can improve your life?”
It is not believed that the manatee was physically harmed, but it is the long-term psychological damage that authorities are concerned about. “It’s a wild animal,” said Susan Butler, a manatee expert. “I’ve spent my whole life working with manatees that have been ridden by humans, and it’s not pleasant. They’re often withdrawn, lose or gain excessive amounts of weight, and often end up lying in the paths of motorboats praying for a swift death.”
“Go ride a Jet Ski. Don’t use animals,” the sheriff said to a crowd of local press as he stripped down to a tight pair of speedos, picked up the reins strapped around two bottle-nosed dolphins and set off into the sunset. As his silhouette faded he was reportedly heard shouting back: “This doesn’t count!”
Ms Gutierrez was not arrested or charged but she does now have a fatwa on her head issued by the American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Manatees (AAPCM). The statement says: “Dead or alive, we don’t care. So long as she dies.”
By Liam McKenna
