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Jive Talk's ulitmate festival survival guide

House | Thursday 6th June 2019 | Arren

Jive Talk share their ultimate festival guide, to help us get through these messy summer weekenders.

Festival season is upon us, and so are the hardships of preparing for them. It can be difficult getting ready for those long weekends raving under whatever the guy in the sky throws at us. And don’t even get us started on how to navigate your way through them once you’ve got there.

There are big questions that need answering; do I need the glitter glasses? How much is too much beer? Does Ket count as breakfast? What we really need is an expert to be on hand and give us the downlow. Thankfully for you lucky lot festival veterans and top disco duo Jive Talk have prepared us the ultimate festival survival guide.

Jive Talk's Festival Survival Guide

Packing for festivals

It’s important to look good; white linen suits, expensive shades and a flare gun are all essential (we’ll come to the flare gun later). Pack light and don’t bother with wellies – it probably won’t rain, and you’ll look like a complete twat carrying them around with you! Thank us later.

Arriving at the festival

From experience, we suggest that you don’t arrive in a limo – they’re terrible to navigate around the winding country roads near festivals, and they’re a nightmare to park! When possible, arrive by helicopter. Choppers are cool and no one’s doing this. It’s important to stand out and make a big entrance! Not to mention the traffic you’ll avoid. You’re welcome.

Getting in

Don’t queue. Queuing is for old people at post offices and losers. Jump straight to the front of the queue – yeah, this might annoy people at first but once you explain to them that you’re famous they’ll happily let you pass and realise that they fancy you in the process. That one’s on us.

Don’t get lost

It’s easy to lose your entourage at a festival, especially at night! If you do suddenly find yourself surrounded by sexy strangers trying to get with you, without a familiar face in sight, it’s important to remain calm. Aim your flare gun into the sky and let off a shot – your mates will soon come to the rescue. Remember, you only get one shot with a flare gun though so make it count! That tip is on the house.

Finally

Avoid using a portaloo, they’re rank! Stay in boutique and shit like a royal. Woodville Project are your guys to go with. Call them up, ask for ‘Dirty Mike and the boys’ and say Jive Talk sent you, he’ll sort you out.

For any more life tips, buy all our music. Don’t worry about it.

You can catch Jive Talk out at many festivals this summer including; Gottwood Festival in Anglesey, Waywood Festival in Cambridge, Yacht Week in Croatia and Noisily Festival in Market Harborough.

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